It's okay to not be okay.

This hasn’t been the easiest of posts for me to write. I’m pretty sure I’ve deleted more words than I’ve written and I’m still not sure if what I’m trying to actually say makes any lick of sense either but if you’ve been in my shoes, hopefully you’ll understand.

As a person who has lost many family and friends, I should be a natural at this. I’ve been preparing myself for the emotional rollercoaster, I read blogs on grieving, books, gravitate toward my 'safe places' such as Disney, Harry Potter, Star Wars and of course, writing. Losing someone you care about isn't easy.

But I didn’t expect it to be this hard either. 

I’m glad that at this point in time, society has been speaking more openly about mental health.
I’m thankful that there are resources available for them when they need the help. I’m grateful for the awareness that is out there now amongst peers and teachers and others in authority. I can’t say enough how thankful I am to those who are around my family and friends, people who can see the signs, who actively listen to what they say when they think no one is hearing them and who take the steps to ensure there is help available when it’s needed.

There is still a definite stigma behind mental health. Many people still refuse to speak about it. Many parents are still in denial that their ‘happy’ and ‘positive’ children may be struggling. Some still comment ‘calm down,’ ‘go easy,’ and my personal favourite, ‘relax.’ Truth is, most people you say those words or phrases to have no control over it.

This past year and a half has been an emotional rollercoaster. Not just for me, but for many of my loved ones. Events that have occurred make me feel like I’ve had to grow up faster than I normally would. I’ve had to become a rock for many people, and many events have left me needing one too. I wish I could do better. Be better. But I’m not. But this past month – I’m learning that it’s okay.

I am also realizing that certain events impact other people more than it impacts me. I am also learning that I absorb a lot of the energy and emotions from others and carry it as if it is my own. It is becoming very taxing.

It’s okay to not be okay.

 This is a lesson that has been more than a decade in the making for me. I’m in my early twenties and I’m just coming to grips with the fact that I don’t handle stress well, that I’m not as strong as I thought I was and that all of the crap I went through, all the things I learned about myself through those times I can now use to try to help my friends and family as they face their own emotional issues.

It’s okay to not be okay. I keep telling myself that I need to be strong right now, that I need to find a way to hold it all together…but I think the truth of the matter is that I don’t have to be all that strong. I don’t have to always hold it together. That it’s okay to show my friends and family that not always being okay is in fact okay.

It’s been a rough 2016. It’s been a time that I’ve had to shut myself down from my regular happenings.  I’ve sat in my chair, blanket wrapped around me and prayed for help, for peace and for guidance. I’ve found different things to make me smile. I’ve eaten probably way too much and drank more than my share of tea. But most of all…it’s been a time where I’ve looked deep into my heart and have accepted that I don’t have to be all the stuff I can’t possibly be at this moment.

Life is about moments. Moments to cherish. Moments to remember. Moments that make a difference. I could look back on all the moments that I should have noticed, all those moments that I had been a better mother I might have caught the signs…but there’s nothing gained by doing that. All I can do is celebrate all the moments I have now, on a go forward basis and be the best friend/family member/human I can be, in this moment.

Even if I’m not okay. Because, that is also okay.

One day, this awful month will be behind me. One day, this time in our lives will be considered the past. One day, we’ll be able to look back as a family as see where we all changed – for the better.

There is a certain strength that comes from realizing your weaknesses. Grieving for a lost one, for a sad moment in time is okay. Everyone goes through these times differently. Some need their personal space, while others need to surround themselves with the people they care most about. Some need to take some time off work, to sit and think. That is okay.

Sometimes it feels like you are drowning and no one sees your struggle. But in most moments, it is not just you who is changed. Realize that others are also going through a struggle. Realize that together, through the temporary pain, you can heal and grow.

Everyone takes their own time to prosper, and all you have to do is tolerate that.