Simply Sawyer

January 31st, 2018 Day #29 They was a forgiver. Their heart was so large that they didn't know how to give up on people,  because they always believed in the good of those they loved. It wasn't until they were walked on one too many times, that they had no choice but to let go of those who burned holes in their heart. Experience taught them, hurt raised them, neither defined them. Sometimes, the ones that are supposed to protect you from monsters are the monsters. It takes an undeniable amount of courage and strength to walk away from toxicity. It is not strengthening your relationship by staying in something toxic. You are not stronger people. It is not love. It is toxic. Fighting everyday is not passionate love. It is toxic. Being with someone purely because you've been together a long time is not strong. It is toxic. You are not more enlighten because you stay together. It is toxic. You are killing your psyche. Think of it as a dinner table, and you are being fed foo...

January 30th, 2018 Day #28 For me, leading a fulfilling life has become all about balance. Opposite of how I once lived and look where that got me. Mixing it up, diversifying things I do and try, wandering out of my comfort zone, but at the same time putting in the work, making a difference, having purpose. Focusing on being a good student, co-worker, friend and person. What do I need to do today to be the best I am capable? I try to ask myself that. Do you? Let's talk. Let's talk about mental health. The good, the bad and the ugly. Balance has not always been something that I've been able to achieve. In fact, I've been living the past few years unbalanced - exceedingly unbalanced. I run myself into the ground with four jobs, full time school, cosplay and volunteering for different organizations (and in some cases, leading them). I live an intense, busy life for anyone, let alone a young 20-something year-old. But I do all of these things for a reason. It's time to ...

January 28th, 2018 Day #26 I've always had it in my mind, when given a choice to be right and kind, choose kind.  When given a difficult situation, never lose myself or who I evolved to be, to swear or become annoyed. But lately, I've been growing annoyed a lot, because my comfort zone has zoned out and personal space has apparently spaced out too.  But is that reason enough for me to let out a few swear words (totally unintentionally), albeit it was merely once?  No.  When you do something you don't really do often, still it makes the first impression about you to someone else. And even if there is no one involved, doing something "wrong", even if it's very small, makes your heart very sick. Especially when it is not often. I remind myself again, when given a choice to be right and kind, choose to be kind and right, never rude and right. When given a choice to speak good words or swear, always choose good words. Even if the entire world chooses to cuss. Becau...

January 27th, 2018 Day #25 Sleep it off, cry it off, walk it off. Whatever you need to do, do it and move on. We can't think our way out of a sh*tty feeling. We have to do something about it, and flicking our thumb through social media is probably the exact opposite of what we should be doing. We have to change the channel, change the environment, change the people, just change anything that's within our immediate power. The response of 'easier said than done' never gets old, but we get to the point of sink or swim, and since many folks self-diagnose themselves with depression, maybe it's time they also self-treat that same condition with real action. Figure out the triggers, recognize what's good for your mind, body, and soul and do that. Otherwise we're trapping ourselves in a self-loathing cycle wondering why everyone else seems happier than us; they're not. The folks that are genuinely happier are putting in the work, because they realize that little...

January 26th, 2018 Day #24 A date? Like a sit down, at a table, you dress up, I dress up, kind of thing? Well, here’s the thing: I’ve got a history of awkward, uncomfortable situations, and I, usually, am the one that makes things awkward and uncomfortable, so, it’s going to be a pretty subtle but straight up, “HAHAHAHHAHAHAH, are you serious? Bad idea, no, no, no. No dates, it’s a no, thank you.” Let’s skip all of that and go straight to the ‘I can tell you I farted and you’d be fine with it, and then burp in my face’ phase, please? Complete comfort, because I can get weird, trust me. Can you handle this? Most try to but realize they can’t and ghost halfway, more like at the 10 yard line. Total understanding on this side though, it’s an “I told you so” kind of moment for me when this happens. I will go 0-100 when we meet, so if you’re interested, I’ll know you’re in for all of the strange, random thought outbursts, and what-if scenarios I throw your way. Oh, and do not eve...

January 25th, 2018 Day #23 One of my first blog posts on this site, if you were around then to remember, depicted that it is okay to not be okay. And it is okay to not be okay.  This is a lesson that has been more than a decade in the making for me. I’m in my early twenties and I’m just coming to grips with the fact that I don’t handle stress well, that I’m not as strong as I thought I was and that all of the crap I went through, all the things I learned about myself through those times I can now use to try to help my friends and family as they face their own emotional issues. It’s okay to not be okay.  I keep telling myself that I need to be strong right now, that I need to find a way to hold it all together…but I think the truth of the matter is that I don’t have to be all that strong. I don’t have to always hold it together. That it’s okay to show my friends and family that not always being okay is in fact okay. Life isn't easy. It’s been a time that I’ve had to shut mysel...

January 24th, 2018 Day #22 It isn’t being drowned by tidal waves,  It isn’t being lost in the middle of the ocean, unable to swim.  It is a hurricane.  A ruthless, merciless hurricane bent on losing you in the midst of chaos.  Grief doesn’t only suffocate you.  It completely and inevitably tears you apart, limb by limb.  Grief pulls you through hundred mile per hour winds and crashing trees.  It’s like looking out of the window, and being unable to see anything, because today the hurricane brought tears, thousands of them; so many that you cannot see anything at all.  Being drowned by tidal waves, Would be suffocating and frightening.  Being lost in an angry ocean, Seeing and then feeling wave after wave, being unable to speak or scream or breathe.  Even being unable to swim, Would be preferable to a hurricane.  Because during a hurricane you can scream, and you can feel yourself screaming, but nobody can hear you; you cannot even ...

January 23rd, 2018 Day #21 " For as long as I can remember I've felt like I've been held back, no... caged in.  In spite of the countless messages I heard about how limitless I am, I still believed that level of freedom, for me at least, was forbidden. When I was a little girl, I'd sit by the window listening to my boom box and I'd watch (boss around) my brother and sister while they were playing outside with the neighbourhood kids.  They always looked like they were having so much fun. I would hear them ask "why isn't she playing with us?" "I don't know.. she just likes her music" That was true. I did like my music, but what was even more true was that I envied their ability to be carefree and wanted to join them. I tried it once. I went out to play and decided to prove that I wasn't a complete herb by doing a cartwheel in the middle of the street. I was really good at them, and so I nailed it! There was just one problem; I was we...

January 22nd, 2018 Day #20  We'll figure it out, we always do. Every time I find myself falling into the trap of doubt, fear worry and anxiety, this is my mantra. Sometimes I say it once a day, sometimes it's several times an hour, regardless, it's been a truth I can rely on. You're still here, you've weathered many storms before, and you'll weather many more that come. Unfortunately you can't simply remember this once, and all the skies clear, it'll never be that easy. We need to remember the noise in our heads isn't always valid, and we're allowed to change the channel anytime we want, and as often as we need. - M 

January 21st, 2018 Day #19 we are nothing but a unique puzzle. are we really waiting to be solved? I think we are just waiting to be understood, Its just simply narcissism "so called" we have our own standards; not everyone can have us at their own will, we have our own weaknesses, we want to hide so desperately ,which is nevertheless, unveiled. sometimes people we don't want, figure us out, Its nothing my dear, but gamble. sometimes people we adore cant understand us, and all our dreams butchered, in shambles. time and again they come, time and again they fail, is it really that much of a task? we don't want much just wits and patience and time and determination, is it too much to ask? every once a while someone promising shows up, we are hopeful they might be it, they try and try their best but all in vain, for they change us to something that cant be fixed. we are careless in the beginning, and later anxious a bit, 'what if no one can unlock me? Oh god what am ...

January 20th, 2018 Day #18 "Sometimes over-thinking and over-trying in life actually makes things more difficult and confusing." Balance isn't a one-time thing.  We don't simply achieve balance in life. We don’t have the ability to press pause, or auto-pilot, and it'll be smooth sailing from there on in. We achieve balance for a short period of time, then something (or someone) will come and knock us off course, and that's life.  Sometimes over-thinking, and over-trying in life actually makes things more difficult and confusing. There's a charm to simplicity, so one of the best ways I've found to achieve balance a bit more often, is to be holding onto a lot less garbage. We'll be better off shedding ourselves of excess baggage of regrets, negative thoughts, and energy draining people. That will free up some room for more important things, as well as make life feel a bit lighter.  The world is going to continue to turn regardless of what we’re doing...

January 19th, 2018 Day #17 I was afraid to show my arms. Weird right? Not really when you think of how much I used to struggle with self confidence. I was afraid to share my work. I was afraid afraid of being judged and shamed by others, so I existed beneath the radar for the longest time.Then I began taking baby risks, and at the same, I made an effort to be around open-minded and open-hearted people. So often it’s a cycle, people judge and shame us, so we judge and shame others; it’s gotta end somewhere. I’m proud to say I’m not longer afraid of many of those things any more, and those around me know that I’m a safe person to be around. I devote more energy to understand, rather than judge. Because I want to be myself and I encourage others to be themselves around me. I love being around unique folks, "nerds and weirdos", because it keeps things exciting and encourages me to take more big & baby risks. Pay attention to the people you keep around you, how many of them do...

January 18th, 2018 Day #16 Most people make trends and labels out of the most sensible and complex things that can be just different from another being. They use these "strange" labels on themselves fashionably , but is appalled when facing them. I get it, but if you cant speak of it neutrally, in reverse, feel unease of it , then don't! How insensible! Those then wonder why is it that the "strange" is censured, frowned on, and just set aside when it is authentic? The "strange" are not a joke, the others are themselves; aware of themselves so they like to turn the mirror around and let themselves be fooled. Be abashed, for you are a fool in lowering others to feel better of or "trendy" your self. Face yourself. - M

January 17th, 2018 Day #15 What you lost was never meant to be yours, they always said. T hen,  you lost yourself over people who were never meant to be yours but you, you were always meant to be yours. You are yours. Always. People may come and go and you will always let go but don't let yourself go. Don't lose yourself. We lose ourselves when we become swept up in the motions of the ocean of life, and don't attempt to turn around to find our way back until we are fairly deep. I pray that you quit overthinking, replaying failed scenarios, feeding self doubt and seeing the good in everyone but yourself. You deserve more. Yet, it's in our nature to look at the glass half empty, not because we are naturally negative Nancy's. It's because as survivalists, we've always had to keep an eye out for what could go wrong. Now that our personal safety is not as much of a concern, our brains are still wired to see what is going wrong, and then jump to what could go wron...

January 16th, 2018 Day #14 I perceive this unpaved road to be a balancing act surrendering and honouring focused on abundance never on lack feel the plethora of emotions but never give up and never give in choosing to reside in darkness is the definition of original sin remembering one's authentic nature through our messy human lives try not to submit to the shadows discouraging stress, residual strife of whatever we bought into and whatever we believed returning to our innate divine innocence is life's purest, most valuable, attainable appeal.

January 15th, 2018 Day #13 One day, they will get it. Twice today I saw what happens when we stop caring about each other. When we start to think other people are just cars on the road— other bodies in a long line. Sometimes it floors me, how angry we get at each other. Really, are we in such a rush that we really need to flip people off as our cars pass because we are inconvenienced for three seconds? Does that really help anything? Do we really need to put ourselves absolutely first and pretend no one else matters? I’ll tell you what, sweet souls. The answer is no. And we have to do a hell of a lot better than we’re doing. Because as beautiful and self-aware as we become in our own hearts— if we don’t go out there and shine that light outwards, it doesn’t matter one bit. You hear me? It doesn’t. Please be kinder to each other. Please. Stop spreading all this hate— this ugliness— in a world that has plenty of it already. That accident ahead of you— the one that’s causing all that tra...

January 14th, 2018 Day #12 Find your peace, even when the world around you is raging like a storm of chaos. Find your peace. Become the pillar of calm in the sea of chaos. I was told there was a balance to this life as if there was a way to control our existence and everything that happens in it. I can tell you for certain, this is untrue. There is only the wind and the ocean. Sometimes we are the waves, viciously crashing on the shoreline with no control where the wind will take us. Other times we are the wind, in control of how and where we move the ocean. Life is about finding a sense of peace in it all and working with that peace to create a positive change. Sometimes, you need to reflect and step back. What in this world gives you breath? I find oxygen in conversations that help people grow. I find oxygen in art where one's honest creativity is shown. I find oxygen in people who strive to leave this place better than we found it. Maybe, in a twisted way, that is peace. - M

January 13th, 2018 Day #11 I know new years resolutions were soooooo two weeks ago, but I figure for those looking to have a great year, what better day to make a tiny improvement than today. Not that I even make resolutions, I achieve goals.  I work for myself, and I was worst boss I ever had. I wore swear at myself, belittle myself, and be so unkind with myself, thinking it was okay; it's not. The way we treat ourselves sets the tone for other others treat us as well. If we talk down to ourselves, that's going to create a familiarity around it that will not only make it okay for other folks to speak to us like that, it'll also make it feel normal. Be nice to yourself, and be kind to yourself. Encourage yourself to do things the way you would encourage someone else that you cared about. Self love isn't self indulgence, it's practice being and feeling wonderful, and then sharing that with others. And while we're making mid-January resolutions, keep an eye out fo...

January 12th, 2018 Day # 10  I wish we could talk about our hearts like we talk about the weather, because whether or not we are okay is more important than the chance of rain. When we are broken, we don't just tear ourselves down completely and start over. We leave the beautiful pieces as the foundations and revitalize around them. The structure of who we are never goes away. We just mend the holes and reinforce the walls, much like cleaning up after a storm. We add paint, and give ourselves a new purpose. We don't erase our history, rather, we use it to learn and grow. I think of our history as clouds. They can clear, and give way to the sun, lighting the way to growth and a prosperous new life. Alternatively, when the sky is clouded over, we can associate this with being dark, gloomy and closed in. We are all just bits and fragments of the world around us. However, it is the combination of those pieces and the way they are arranged that makes us the unique pieces of art that...

January 11th, 2018 Day #9 Raise a glass to milk! Hi, my name is Mariann and I have an interesting diet that I am expected to follow due to health issues. My diet includes being gluten and lactose free, as well as reducing foods with corn product, acidic foods, spicy foods, and red meats. Needless to say, I am terrible at following through. Before you ask no, I do not have an intolerance. These are just a sensitivities that I've been stuck with for the past two years (officially). My sensitivities are very similar to those of intolerance, except I get intense, sharp pains that transmit across my torso and vomit. Sometimes, if I eat enough of these products, I can be bed-ridden. It is important to know about the common symptoms associated with lactose intolerance, particularly as they can manifest at any stage in life and therefore you could be experiencing these symptoms unaware of the cause. The level to which you react to lactose in your system will vary in each person. A friend o...

January 10th, 2018 Day #8 Everyone is chasing a feeling. I remember daydreaming about how awesome it would feel to be a full time artist.  I paint a picture in my head of how life would look and feel. Now, working hard to accomplish that dream, it doesn't look or feel anywhere close to what I thought, and that really changed the way I set goals and daydream now. Whether it's a million dollars, a million books sold, or the approval of the people we respect, we're actually chasing the feeling that comes with these milestones, and not the milestones themselves. Even when it's the middle of the night, and we start to miss our past relationships, we're missing the way they made us feel, not the person. The thing with chasing feelings is that it assumes we know how things are going to feel, and we're rarely right. Often, we are chasing the feeling of having value, and having that value recognized by people that matter to us. But things accomplished in the world outsid...

January 9th, 2018 Day #7 After my second relationship heartbreak, I took it upon myself to start observing other people's relationships. I desperately wanted to know why they were successful, and why I failed with my heart on the floor in a billion pieces. Most of the relationships I observed didn't have much to envy, and like most things in life, they look great until you take a closer look.  I don't spend too much time giving relationship advice, because the comment section would explode with people of my past and present calling me out, or give the always sugarcoated "you just haven't found the one yet", and they wouldn't be wrong. Instead, I'll just keep pushing the idea that we need to have a healthier relationship with ourselves, and that somehow will magically translate into a healthy relationship with someone else. I have friends that are serial 'monogamos' (I made that word up myself 😏), they jump from one serious relationship to the ...

January 8th, 2018 Day #6 I know, it's scary to live out our dreams. However, want me to tell you a little secret? It will be even more scary to let them die within us. Growth begins outside our comfort zones.  If it was easy, it wouldn't be worth it. Stop wanting easy.  Our mind is like a pond, thoughts of the past can bring ripples of regret, and thoughts of the future can bring waves of anxiety. Only when we are present, does the water calm down and become still, and we can see ourselves and the world around us much more clear. To be present means different things. For me, it means to pay attention to my breath and remember that I'm a simple bag of blood and bones on a tiny spec in a vast creation far more grand than my tiny mind will ever comprehend. It's overwhelmingly beautiful to feel, and makes life feels a little lighter. The only time that matters is NOW, there are a million ways to bring yourself back to the present, enjoy the adventure discovering which way i...

January 7th, 2018 Day #5 People will choose familiarity over happiness, even if familiarity sucks. As active members in society, it is up to us to figure out when we are choosing something that is comfortable over something that is simply good for us. We are allowed to break that cycle. All of us are carrying things from our childhood, that may have made sense back then, but no longer apply. We can call this baggage, issues, or just being human, regardless, they exist, and we need to make time to identify them. I think a lot about how much we all do to simply say, "notice me! Recognize my value," and how that's been used to create entire systems designed for nothing more than to temporarily scratch that itch (*cough cough* Instagram). We spend crazy amounts of energy crafting and executing different strategies to get the right people to validate us, without asking ourselves, "why is that important?" How much of the things you do would you still do if no one was ...

January 6th, 2018 Day #4 Sometimes, the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us. We are born in one day. We die in one day. We can change in one day, and we can fall in love in one day. Anything can happen In just one day. It is scary to think that one day we are going to have to live without our mother or father or brother or wife, or husband. Perhaps, that one day we are going to have to walk this earth without our best friend by our side, or them without us. None of us are going to be here forever. Not me, not you. It started to make me think. Maybe the journey is not so much about becoming anything. Maybe, it is unbecoming everything that isn’t you so that you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.

January 5th, 2018 Day #3 Do not wait until the next January 1st. It's never too late to start working for a better you. Don't rely on motivation, rely on habit. Don't set goals, set habits that'll take you in that direction and more. Instead of trying to read 100 books in 2018, just try to read every day, even if only a few pages (that's still going to add up). Habits become part of us. They're not a battle, they are the baby steps that improve our journey. Habits start small and grow at a respectable rate. New Years resolutions are often grand, and fizzle out by February. You already know if you'll fizzle out because you can look at last year as a tell tale sign. Think about the habits you have, and think about the habits you want. - M

January 4th, 2018 Day #2 "We learn a lot about ourselves when we go through "crap". It's like we don't really know what we're capable of, until our backs are against the wall. Every challenge we overcome becomes a new strength on our tool belt for handling life, so why avoid challenges? Heartbreaks, failures, and loss all serve to injure us, but in the cracks they create reveal new parts we may have never known existed. N ow we can wait for life to throw challenges things at us (which it definitely will), or we can also throw ourselves at these things as well. Taking risks, do something new, and getting uncomfortable are all ways of getting to know ourselves better. Once we do, we'll find a better sense of self, and self-pride, and we can love ourselves more. The more we address what's going on inside, the better the world around us will feel. Know yourself, be yourself, love yourself." - Enough (a novel coming soon). I try to remember I'm ...

January 3rd,  2018 Day #1 Have you ever had a long day, and then when someone asks you what you want for dinner, you reply "I don't care, whatever you want?" That's usually because you're tired and don't have the energy to make any more decisions. There is such thing as decisions fatigue, it's why guys like Steve Jobs and Zuckerberg wear the same clothes everyday, it's one less decision to make. When we don't want to make decisions, they end up being made for us, that's why society has so many templates. We plug ourselves into those templates and then as long as we stick to the script, things feel a bit more secure, but that doesn't' always last. If we don't want to decide our lives, society will tell us, if we don't want to figure out right from wrong, religion will tell us, if we can't figure out how to be happy, advertisements will tell us; There will forever be someone there to sell us a life, if we don't want crea...