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Year of the blog: Day #21 - Growth from a window.

January 23rd, 2018
Day #21


"For as long as I can remember I've felt like I've been held back, no... caged in.

 In spite of the countless messages I heard about how limitless I am, I still believed that level of freedom, for me at least, was forbidden. When I was a little girl, I'd sit by the window listening to my boom box and I'd watch (boss around) my brother and sister while they were playing outside with the neighbourhood kids.

 They always looked like they were having so much fun. I would hear them ask "why isn't she playing with us?"

"I don't know.. she just likes her music" That was true. I did like my music, but what was even more true was that I envied their ability to be carefree and wanted to join them. I tried it once. I went out to play and decided to prove that I wasn't a complete herb by doing a cartwheel in the middle of the street. I was really good at them, and so I nailed it! There was just one problem; I was weeks shy of my first training bra. My attempt to convince the neighbourhood not to cast me off as a total psycho, turned into a preteen peep show. I was MORTIFIED!

That was it. No more reindeer games for me. As long as I had my boom box I'd be good watching the fun from the window. Six years ago it hit me that I've been living my whole life like this. Making music, but too scared to go outside and play. Subconsciously, I gathered it was the best way to keep safe from basically any and everything that could embarrass me. I didn't realize that it was keeping me from what I wanted most; freedom. So I stopped and it led me to places I've only dreamed of, including one of the world's biggest stages.

That's when I realized no matter how much it hurts, or how bad I want to stay inside with my boom box and tell others how they should have fun while I stay safe, I can NEVER go back there! So now that the dust has settled from the whirlwind that was my life a year ago, there's a new storm that's rising and it's wild and free. That storm is ME. And it might be scary, it might be messy. If I'm not careful there might even be a peep show from time to time. But there will be FREEDOM. I'm ready to play. You in?"

- Hole In The Hallows

M. 

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